Tonight marks the one year anniversary of the day when I had to change the number of grandparents on my 'about me' page. Tonight marks the anniversary of the day when I lost an inspirational, amazing person from my life. Tonight marks the anniversary of the day my great grandad lost his battle with pancreatic cancer.
I didn't mention it when it happened, I had posts scheduled and didn't really have the time to think about or write anything, I had a grieving family. I think I handled this death really weirdly. I haven't cried about it to this day. That may seem completely crazy, but I had accepted for so long that I was going to lose him I didn't feel the need to use tears to cope with it. Heck, I was too busy wiping everyone else's tears. It's definitely difficult, especially with a great grandparent as there are so many more people grieving.
One of my best mates lost their great nan on Tuesday, and it really got me thinking about how little would change, and changed for me. In his situation, he and his family left for Vietnam today - they couldn't cancel the trip so they went, as I'm sure his greatnan would have wanted them to do. In my situation, one year later, all I feel is different is that there is only one great grandparent to hug at the door when I go to Shoreham to visit her. One grandparent to chat to. One story to hear.
When consoling Mr L (as we'll name him), I said something that I hadn't really noticed til I said it. I said "although the pain never goes away, it does get better". I strongly believe this, and I relive the moment I was told all the time, and that sinking feeling, that knot-in-stomach, hurt, pain, worry; the stab. But I'm prepared. I know it's coming and I know that it will never go away, and I'll miss him everyday.
His smile. Laugh. Stories. White gloves to read the Telegraph with. Special chair with the back rest. Morning shreddies. J2O with dinner. Holding hands. Plants on the deck. Glasses to read notes. Him.
The second to last time I saw him, my nan was pulling things out of drawers and saying 'bin or keep'. He said bin to an old wallet, which I fished out of the bag and sat on my lap. He said something like 'what do you want that old thing for?' and I just thought it was pretty. He said that you could never give someone a wallet without money in it, and he put a £1 coin in the pocket. I carry that wallet with me everywhere. It lives in my blazer pocket and stays in my bag at all other times. It is my little piece of him that I carry everywhere.
If you've ever lost someone, or are losing someone, to cancer or another disease or just any other cause of death there is and want to talk, I'll always answer an email to lizzielovesfudge@hotmail.co.uk or DM me on instagram (@hi_lizziep). I love you and am here if you need me, always.
I'm sorry for the ramble, the chats and the slushiness but I needed to write something and get my feelings out. Hope you don't mind.
Love, Elizabeth X
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